Panties in a Twist?

Are you a woman who has discovered your boyfriend or husband likes wearing thongs? Do you have questions running through your mind like “Is this normal?” “Is he gay?” “What will people think if they find out?” “What does this mean?”

Over the last few years mens thongs have been secretly – but steadily –  becoming more popular. Most online mens underwear brands have added thongs to their underwear style options (options that also include briefs, bikini-cut, jock-strap and even g-string). If there is a market for a style, brands will make them! Personally, I think men really like how different underwear styles make them look and feel. Whether a certain style provides better support, more breathability, flexibility, or even sex appeal, the fact is, men should be allowed to like and wear whatever they feel best in. Unfortunately, because people of our society have formed (and widely promote) opinions on which underwear are “manly” and which are not, many men either hide that they wear them or feel that they simply cannot. 

For a long time mens thongs have been considered a sign of sexual preference or gender expression, a uniform for a specific job type or simply the butt of a joke. These stereotypes can be promoted by Hollywood in a movie you’ve seen, by advertisements you come across, establishments you frequent or simply by you when you’re just teasing with your friends. For whatever reason there’s a perception (some might even say an unspoken rule) that “real men” don’t wear thongs. But why? What is it about a piece of fabric (mainly hidden under clothes) that we’ve decided defines who a man – who any person is? If a guy gets more support, feels more comfortable and/or sexy in a thong or jock, why tease him or stop him from wearing them? 

I hope more people will allow themselves to be curious enough to learn about the benefits of different styles of mens underwear. I hope that over time people will learn to accept men no matter what underwear they choose, knowing that a person’s choice of undergarment doesn’t make them more or less feminine or masculine, that it doesn’t decide if they are gay or straight, and it certainly shouldn’t be up to anyone but the person wearing them! Everyone (no matter what sex or gender expression) has their own preferences regarding the underwear they wear. Some choose briefs because they feel most comfortable. Others choose thongs because they don’t want visible underwear lines. Some choose a microfiber blend for softness and stretch, some choose mesh for breathability, and still others want 100% cotton. The list goes on and on. The point is, everyone has personal preferences and reasons for the underwear they wear, which is all that matters. 

All of that said, there are some very real fears that can arise when you learn your partner wears and enjoys a style of underwear that society generally stigmatizes. My wife was open to sharing her experience with my underwear journey from her perspective so I’ll let her do some talking for a bit! 

I remember it like it was yesterday. We were driving, on our way to celebrate our 14th anniversary with a comedy show and an overnight stay in a fancy hotel suite. After moving 10 times, having 4 kids and going through our fair share of ups and downs in those 14 years, we were pretty proud of ourselves as a couple, but something was…off. There was something that, in my mind, seemed hidden; some secret I didn’t know about my husband. Something was putting strain on our relationship, but I just couldn’t put my finger on what. Sure, we have our normal struggles as a couple, but we’d talked those to death. Still, it felt like we were just not on the same page anymore. 

        As we sang along to some of our favorite songs, out of the blue, my husband reached over, turned down the music and said, “I want to tell you something.” He went on to say that he wanted to be fully honest with me and not keep any secrets. At this point I was very nervous. I love this man. I trust him fully…don’t I? 

The truth is, some time before all of this he had started bringing home something that set me on edge. Underwear. Not the boxers or briefs kind that he had worn since I had known him and not even the more flashy briefs or trunks he bought because they were “so comfortable,” no, these were something different. My husband, father of my four children, began to bring home pair after pair of mens bikini-cut, jock-straps, thongs and – occasionally – things I didn’t even know how to describe. They came in bright neon colors or had metallic waistbands and mesh panels. They had cutouts that showcased his “assets” – if you know what I mean. He told me he just liked these underwear and they were so comfortable and I smiled (and probably even poked fun or sometimes played along), but deep down it made me panic. 

Questions swirled in my mind endlessly. And they weren’t questions I even wanted the answers to because I was so afraid. Afraid! That’s right, my husband’s choice of underwear made me afraid. Was he confused? Did he find me attractive anymore? Was he interested in men now? Has he been gay his whole life and just trying to pretend otherwise? What is he looking at that makes him desire these underwear? Why does he want to wear bright colors and revealing pieces? What will happen if someone catches a glimpse of them? Will he get teased? Will I? 

So anyway, now he’s next to me in a car, saying he has been keeping something from me. My heart is racing and I already know what this is going to be about. As he begins to tell me his story I listen, completely shell-shocked. He explains that he has a twitter devoted to his underwear obsession. He tells me he has followers. He tells me he is starting to be a little important in the underwear crowd. He reveals that he has done countless reviews, received products for free and discounted so that he can promote brands. It goes on and on. 

And I am…angry. Surprised. Jealous. But mostly I am terrified. He asks me to say something. I try frantically to gather my thoughts and, after taking a breath, I ask what it all means. I ask if he is attracted to men. I ask why he likes THESE underwear so much. I cry. I cry because in my mind, I’m facing my worst nightmare. I’m losing this man who I know to be patient and steady, hardworking but quiet, faithful and thoughtful, the love of my life. 

Seeing my inward (and, let’s be honest, outward) spiral at this point he looked at me, surprise in his eyes, and said “underwear doesn’t mean ANY of that! They’re just underwear!!” And my mind exploded. 

“They’re just underwear” I thought. I mulled it over. Then I mulled it over some more. I asked more questions. He told me honest answers. Yes, they’re comfortable. They make him feel sexy. They’re fun. They are interesting and a lot less boring than your run-of-the-mill men’s underwear. Sure, they’re worn by men who are gay or trans or whatever, but there is also a growing group of straight men beginning to ask for them. No he doesn’t post photos of himself. No he doesn’t share his personal life. It’s just fun, interesting, and he has found community. 

I sit back and begin to really ponder it all. For 3 years this had grown from a into a huge secret (now driving a wedge) betweens us.. And do you know what made me most upset about that? Not that he didn’t tell me…that he didn’t feel like he could! I had some serious self-reflection to do. My husband didn’t consider me a safe space for his interests and that didn’t sit well with me. I began to ask myself why he was right…that he wasn’t safe with me. Why do I think that a certain kind of underwear dictates who a person is on the inside? Why, if a man wanted to feel sexy in a thong or a jockstrap with a perfectly located keyhole, did that make him gay? Did I feel the same way about women’s underwear? Are all women who wear “boyshorts” lesbians? Of course not! How incredibly ridiculous to even entertain a thought like that. 

I realized that I, no, that we as a society have a lot of work to do in this area. We have formulated all of these unspoken rules about colors, toys, garments, activities, and yes, even underwear, that dictate who a person must be on the inside. Here’s the thing: it’s all bullshit. If my son wants to paint his nails and try on a tutu that doesn’t make him a girl or gay (I mean, sure, he could be, but the point is that the tutu and nails didn’t somehow change him.) If my husband wants to wear thongs, bikini-cut or jock-straps it doesn’t make him gay or less interested in me (for anyone wondering, he’s just as interested as he’s always been plus now he feels safe to be himself)! 

I think that bringing awareness to the fact that men should be allowed to wear whatever they damn well please without fear of judgment or repercussions is very important. (I also think that the underwear companies could jump on this bandwagon by marketing to a broader audience.) 

Most of all, I think that if your man is finding some excitement and enjoyment in colorful and sexy underwear…by all means, you should encourage him. Be honest and tell him if it makes you feel insecure. I’m sure it will be his absolute pleasure to reassure you of his interest in you beyond a shadow of a doubt.

After this talk with my wife we had an amazing time celebrating each other and reconnecting after secrecy and confusion had come between us. It meant everything to me to have her support and approval. She even willingly went with me to an underwear store to look at styles and pick out something fun for me. While we were there, she and I talked to the owners, who said that they are seeing more and more straight men in their shop buying everything from thongs to jock-straps to g-strings. They even mentioned that women are coming in to buy these pieces for or with their man! Little by little the stigma and stereotypes are being broken. 

So to wrap up, could wearing thongs suggest that your partner is gay? (First, I have nothing against gay men. Second, remember that underwear choice doesn’t make someone gay.) If you’re a woman reading this and have this concern about your man, this is definitely a serious subject. My advice (after the experience I had with my wife) is to talk about it. Yeah, it could be uncomfortable and awkward, but if you love each other and are willing to accept each other openly, I think you’ll both be pleasantly surprised. 

Now, a side note about how these styles of underwear are marketed. Underwear brands and stores can definitely do a better job of advertising with diversity. It does seem that the styles we’ve touched on here are most often marketed by and to gay men (and no, I’m not just assuming the men in them are gay, I’m talking about the vast majority of them being of gay couples engaged in intimate moments together). I, for one, would love to see a mix of gay and straight couples in their advertisements on their websites. I believe this would more accurately represent the growing market they serve. After all, I am living proof that you can be straight and like thongs. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, but I also hope some day more brick and mortar stores will add thongs, jock-straps and the like to their shelves to continue the normalization of these styles for men. Until then, do me a favor and don’t make any assumptions about your man just because of the underwear he likes. If you really have a concern, then it’s best you sit down with your partner and talk about it with him. It might also be helpful for you to ponder this question: Why do you wear the underwear that YOU wear?